Who caused you so much pain that you started to hate yourself? Who made you believe that you are worthless?
I’ve lived my life with a little child sitting on my shoulder staring at me wide-eyed. Every rejection she asks “Why am I not good enough?” “Why don’t they like me?” “What did I do wrong?”. It breaks my heart. Because that little child is me. It’s the child that was rejected by her sister, not understanding why she wasn’t loved. It’s the little girl who never knew her oldest brother and didn’t understand why he didn’t want to know her. It’s the young girl who was always the third wheel, not understanding why they didn’t want to be her friend. It’s the young women who is always the second option to men and doesn’t understand why she isn’t good enough for them.
It’s easy to pretend that it doesn’t bother me. It’s simple until I see a picture of her living her life without me, or I hear them say how fun their summer is going and I wasn’t invited in their plans, or I see him happy with her and I feel like I meant nothing. It’s easy until it’s not. Then it feels like a punch to the stomach. Then I feel like there is something wrong with me.
But it’s horse shit. All of it.
Yes it hurts. It hurts like hell when you feel like in every aspect of your life you’re replaceable.
But I’m not.
I am worth it. I am good enough. Who cares if they like me? I like me. I did nothing wrong.
She was toxic to my life, I’m better off without her. I’m better off not knowing him. I’m not missing out on anything by not hanging out with them. I realized that I was worth more than how he treated me.
I am nobody’s second choice. I’m not a spare time or a sometimes.
I may not have a large group of friends and I may not be popular but the friends I do have and the family that I do have in my life are amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for a thousand shallow and mundane friends.
So I say to my young self, that little girl who is heart-broken every time she’s rejected, it will be okay. You’re okay. I’m okay.