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Conflicted

I am standing on a precipice. Figuratively of course. Childhood, high school and the illusion that life is good and easy are over now. The future of college, jobs and the possibility of a lonely adulthood loom before me. Part of me welcomes this new chapter of my life with open arms while the other part of me wants to be six seeing the world from the safety of my mother’s lap again.

Change has slammed its way into my life heavily within the past seven months. Sometimes I feel as if the world around me is spinning and I can’t breathe. It’s become a bitter euphoric and overwhelming feeling. I’ve become a change junkie, I get a certain high from it. I never really stop and enjoy where I am in the moment. That’s the thing I am desperately trying to learn.

I want so much out of life. I have so much to offer. So much to give. I want to learn everything, see everything. I want to work hard and live harder. But I know I also need to be okay with where I am and not be afraid of the space between where I am and where I want to be and simply enjoy the journey.

There are aspects of my life I wish I already had figured out. The classic age-old question; who am I? Who was I, who am I, who am I becoming? I am slowly figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I’ve created just to please the world. There is nothing worse than hearing from someone you look up to and love dearly say that you’re changing and they don’t like who you’re turning into. The truth is yes I am changing, I have changed. I am certainly not the same person I was a year ago and I pray I’m not the same person a year from now. I am figuring out what things I’m okay with and what I’m not and changing accordingly a little bit at a time, hopefully for the better. I am learning what kind of person I am in situations I’ve never been in before. Yes I’ve messed up. Yes I’ve hurt people in the process. That is the one thing I’m not and never will be okay with. I die inside knowing that the people most precious to me are the ones that are hurt the most by my mistakes. It kills me knowing they might always love me but not like me.

How can I expect them to like me when I don’t even like the person I’m becoming?

It’s a process. A painfully slow process. All that keeps me from falling and staying down is the people who are less concerned with hurting my feelings and more concerned with hitting me with the cold hard truth. I wouldn’t be anywhere without them. I would have nothing without those few people. They don’t know how much I truly appreciate all they do for me and how thankful I am for them.

Life is beautiful and harsh. Life won’t stop and wait for you. Living is finding a balance that involves both knowing that everything will happen the way it’s supposed to but not sitting around waiting for it to work itself out. You have to fight for what you want.

The trick is, do you want it bad enough to get back up every single time you’re knocked down?