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Conflicted

I am standing on a precipice. Figuratively of course. Childhood, high school and the illusion that life is good and easy are over now. The future of college, jobs and the possibility of a lonely adulthood loom before me. Part of me welcomes this new chapter of my life with open arms while the other part of me wants to be six seeing the world from the safety of my mother’s lap again.

Change has slammed its way into my life heavily within the past seven months. Sometimes I feel as if the world around me is spinning and I can’t breathe. It’s become a bitter euphoric and overwhelming feeling. I’ve become a change junkie, I get a certain high from it. I never really stop and enjoy where I am in the moment. That’s the thing I am desperately trying to learn.

I want so much out of life. I have so much to offer. So much to give. I want to learn everything, see everything. I want to work hard and live harder. But I know I also need to be okay with where I am and not be afraid of the space between where I am and where I want to be and simply enjoy the journey.

There are aspects of my life I wish I already had figured out. The classic age-old question; who am I? Who was I, who am I, who am I becoming? I am slowly figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I’ve created just to please the world. There is nothing worse than hearing from someone you look up to and love dearly say that you’re changing and they don’t like who you’re turning into. The truth is yes I am changing, I have changed. I am certainly not the same person I was a year ago and I pray I’m not the same person a year from now. I am figuring out what things I’m okay with and what I’m not and changing accordingly a little bit at a time, hopefully for the better. I am learning what kind of person I am in situations I’ve never been in before. Yes I’ve messed up. Yes I’ve hurt people in the process. That is the one thing I’m not and never will be okay with. I die inside knowing that the people most precious to me are the ones that are hurt the most by my mistakes. It kills me knowing they might always love me but not like me.

How can I expect them to like me when I don’t even like the person I’m becoming?

It’s a process. A painfully slow process. All that keeps me from falling and staying down is the people who are less concerned with hurting my feelings and more concerned with hitting me with the cold hard truth. I wouldn’t be anywhere without them. I would have nothing without those few people. They don’t know how much I truly appreciate all they do for me and how thankful I am for them.

Life is beautiful and harsh. Life won’t stop and wait for you. Living is finding a balance that involves both knowing that everything will happen the way it’s supposed to but not sitting around waiting for it to work itself out. You have to fight for what you want.

The trick is, do you want it bad enough to get back up every single time you’re knocked down?

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Never Second Best

Throughout my life I have always been the third wheel, the backup friend that you call when all of your other friends are unavailable.  I’ve never been someone’s first choice.  I’ll be the first to say that it sucks and it hurts.

A lot.

Recently I’ve been making some life changes and removing some acquaintances from my circle.  I’ve grown tired of only being acknowledged when someone is bored and has no one else to talk to or when said person needs something.  I’m tired of jumping for them right away because I’m desperate to be their friend.  I’m sick of knowing that it would never be reciprocated and that the friendship is as shallow as a drop of dew on a shriveled rose petal.

I’ve realized that those people who smile to my face and call themselves my “friends” are nothing more than fake friends wearing well-made masks.

So I’ve been telling them to bugger off.  Okay, okay.  Maybe not to their faces because I have a little more class than that (just a little) but I have been saying it in my head a good deal.

Lately I have also noticed that I’ve making a bigger mistake than allowing fake friends to walk all over me like a doormat.  That mistake is overcompensation and pushing people away before I even have the chance to know them.  I think I mistook having a backbone with being a bitch.  Having a backbone is admirable and shows that you’re a strong confident person.  Being a bitch. . .well. . .nobody likes a bitch and if they say they do they’re lying.

Due to my history I now subtly aid people in un-friending me so that it is by my choice and I’m not shocked when they no longer want anything to do with me.  I tell myself that it’s easier to handle when you’re the cause.

That’s where I’m wrong.  Turning my back on someone just because I’m afraid they’ll hurt me like all the others is stupid.  I definitely don’t believe in running around with your heart on your sleeve for anyone to slice and dice or giving all your trust to someone you’ve just met but by not giving someone a chance you could be throwing away that one gem in a pile of sharp rocks.  And that one gem is worth it.  I have a gem in my life.  That one person (that isn’t my parents) that I know would never hurt me, she’d chew off her own tongue before she said something that would cause me pain, as would I.  I would go through every single one of those painful “friendships” again because without them I would never have met her or have the relationship I have with her.  I would take her for granted and that would be a terrible travesty.

That’s what it’s all about, life that is.  It’s about experiencing hurt so that you can appreciate the good more.  It’s about learning how to set boundaries and knowing when you’ve got some real diamonds.  That is the human experience.  It’s harsh and brutal.  It’s also beautiful and full of light.

All that to say that if you’re in the same boat as me stop pushing people away and stop being a desperate pushover.  You deserve better.  You’re worth more than being chosen anything but first.