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Never Second Best

Throughout my life I have always been the third wheel, the backup friend that you call when all of your other friends are unavailable.  I’ve never been someone’s first choice.  I’ll be the first to say that it sucks and it hurts.

A lot.

Recently I’ve been making some life changes and removing some acquaintances from my circle.  I’ve grown tired of only being acknowledged when someone is bored and has no one else to talk to or when said person needs something.  I’m tired of jumping for them right away because I’m desperate to be their friend.  I’m sick of knowing that it would never be reciprocated and that the friendship is as shallow as a drop of dew on a shriveled rose petal.

I’ve realized that those people who smile to my face and call themselves my “friends” are nothing more than fake friends wearing well-made masks.

So I’ve been telling them to bugger off.  Okay, okay.  Maybe not to their faces because I have a little more class than that (just a little) but I have been saying it in my head a good deal.

Lately I have also noticed that I’ve making a bigger mistake than allowing fake friends to walk all over me like a doormat.  That mistake is overcompensation and pushing people away before I even have the chance to know them.  I think I mistook having a backbone with being a bitch.  Having a backbone is admirable and shows that you’re a strong confident person.  Being a bitch. . .well. . .nobody likes a bitch and if they say they do they’re lying.

Due to my history I now subtly aid people in un-friending me so that it is by my choice and I’m not shocked when they no longer want anything to do with me.  I tell myself that it’s easier to handle when you’re the cause.

That’s where I’m wrong.  Turning my back on someone just because I’m afraid they’ll hurt me like all the others is stupid.  I definitely don’t believe in running around with your heart on your sleeve for anyone to slice and dice or giving all your trust to someone you’ve just met but by not giving someone a chance you could be throwing away that one gem in a pile of sharp rocks.  And that one gem is worth it.  I have a gem in my life.  That one person (that isn’t my parents) that I know would never hurt me, she’d chew off her own tongue before she said something that would cause me pain, as would I.  I would go through every single one of those painful “friendships” again because without them I would never have met her or have the relationship I have with her.  I would take her for granted and that would be a terrible travesty.

That’s what it’s all about, life that is.  It’s about experiencing hurt so that you can appreciate the good more.  It’s about learning how to set boundaries and knowing when you’ve got some real diamonds.  That is the human experience.  It’s harsh and brutal.  It’s also beautiful and full of light.

All that to say that if you’re in the same boat as me stop pushing people away and stop being a desperate pushover.  You deserve better.  You’re worth more than being chosen anything but first.