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Conflicted

I am standing on a precipice. Figuratively of course. Childhood, high school and the illusion that life is good and easy are over now. The future of college, jobs and the possibility of a lonely adulthood loom before me. Part of me welcomes this new chapter of my life with open arms while the other part of me wants to be six seeing the world from the safety of my mother’s lap again.

Change has slammed its way into my life heavily within the past seven months. Sometimes I feel as if the world around me is spinning and I can’t breathe. It’s become a bitter euphoric and overwhelming feeling. I’ve become a change junkie, I get a certain high from it. I never really stop and enjoy where I am in the moment. That’s the thing I am desperately trying to learn.

I want so much out of life. I have so much to offer. So much to give. I want to learn everything, see everything. I want to work hard and live harder. But I know I also need to be okay with where I am and not be afraid of the space between where I am and where I want to be and simply enjoy the journey.

There are aspects of my life I wish I already had figured out. The classic age-old question; who am I? Who was I, who am I, who am I becoming? I am slowly figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I’ve created just to please the world. There is nothing worse than hearing from someone you look up to and love dearly say that you’re changing and they don’t like who you’re turning into. The truth is yes I am changing, I have changed. I am certainly not the same person I was a year ago and I pray I’m not the same person a year from now. I am figuring out what things I’m okay with and what I’m not and changing accordingly a little bit at a time, hopefully for the better. I am learning what kind of person I am in situations I’ve never been in before. Yes I’ve messed up. Yes I’ve hurt people in the process. That is the one thing I’m not and never will be okay with. I die inside knowing that the people most precious to me are the ones that are hurt the most by my mistakes. It kills me knowing they might always love me but not like me.

How can I expect them to like me when I don’t even like the person I’m becoming?

It’s a process. A painfully slow process. All that keeps me from falling and staying down is the people who are less concerned with hurting my feelings and more concerned with hitting me with the cold hard truth. I wouldn’t be anywhere without them. I would have nothing without those few people. They don’t know how much I truly appreciate all they do for me and how thankful I am for them.

Life is beautiful and harsh. Life won’t stop and wait for you. Living is finding a balance that involves both knowing that everything will happen the way it’s supposed to but not sitting around waiting for it to work itself out. You have to fight for what you want.

The trick is, do you want it bad enough to get back up every single time you’re knocked down?

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Say What You Need To Say & Move On

Every so often you have to make a decision on whether you are going to let a stagnant relationship stay stagnant, make an effort to change it for the better or end it.  It’s totally fine if you want to keep the relationship the way it is and it also perfectly fine to end it.  I personally believe that making an effort to change the relationship is the hardest of the three decisions.

It all starts with a conversation.  Communication is key and extremely vital to any long-lasting relationship.  Before you approach any situation it is usually best to assess yourself to see what place you’re coming from.  Are you coming from a place of peace and solidity or are you coming from a place of angst and anger?  Think about the things you want to get said during the conversation, make mental bullet points.  It’s always good to prepare yourself and think of possible situations and how you will handle them.

Tip: Never go into any conversation ready for a fight or angry because even if what you are going to say is truth you won’t be saying it to be heard, you will be saying it to hurt them and that never gets you anywhere.

No matter how prepared you are the one thing you cannot control is how the addressee will react/respond.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you say or even how you say it, the recipient will not hear it and that’s okay.

Really, it’s okay.

What isn’t okay is not saying how you feel and not trying.  It’s better to try and then leave the ball in the other person’s court than to not say anything at all and continue to stay stagnant or let hurt/hard feelings fester and boil until you explode causing in an even bigger mess.

So say whatever it is that you need to say.  If the other person doesn’t care to or isn’t capable of receiving what you’re giving then that isn’t your problem.  But if they don’t care to change then move on, don’t keep pestering them.  Sometimes it may not have anything to do with you.  They may not be in a place to hear your words.

You just do you and be proud of making the decision to extend yourself regardless of the outcome!