Author Archives: S

1:13am

I find it more intimidating to succeed than to fail. It’s scarier to think that one day I could have everything I’ve ever wanted than to think I could be stuck in the same everyday whirlpool that I’ve been living in for the past year.

How is it possible to be so afraid of succeeding that you actually let it stop you from reaching for the stars?

How would settling for mediocre ever be good enough?

How could you leave so much potential left untapped?

If your dreams don’t scare you then they’re not big enough. Mine terrify me.

The world doesn’t slow down so you can figure it out. If anything it spins faster. It gets more overwhelming. All you can really do is take a baby steps. One unsteady step is better than none at all.

I was born with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and a heart that yearns to see the world. Unfortunately I’m also incredibly paradox in nature. My soul will forever be restless if I stay where I am.

Why does the first step have to be the hardest? Why does ending one chapter have to hurt when you know the next chapter is left blank, ready to be filled with new vivid memories and experiences?

I think it’s time I stopped simply existing and started living the life I’ve always dreamed of having.

~Sep. 14th ~

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You’re okay, I’m okay

Who caused you so much pain that you started to hate yourself? Who made you believe that you are worthless?

I’ve lived my life with a little child sitting on my shoulder staring at me wide-eyed. Every rejection she asks “Why am I not good enough?” “Why don’t they like me?” “What did I do wrong?”. It breaks my heart. Because that little child is me. It’s the child that was rejected by her sister, not understanding why she wasn’t loved. It’s the little girl who never knew her oldest brother and didn’t understand why he didn’t want to know her. It’s the young girl who was always the third wheel, not understanding why they didn’t want to be her friend. It’s the young women who is always the second option to men and doesn’t understand why she isn’t good enough for them.

It’s easy to pretend that it doesn’t bother me. It’s simple until I see a picture of her living her life without me, or I hear them say how fun their summer is going  and I wasn’t invited in their plans, or I see him happy with her and I feel like I meant nothing. It’s easy until it’s not. Then it feels like a punch to the stomach. Then I feel like there is something wrong with me.

But it’s horse shit. All of it.

Yes it hurts. It hurts like hell when you feel like in every aspect of your life you’re replaceable.

But I’m not.

I am worth it. I am good enough. Who cares if they like me? I like me. I did nothing wrong.

She was toxic to my life, I’m better off without her. I’m better off not knowing him. I’m not missing out on anything by not hanging out with them. I realized that I was worth more than how he treated me.

I am nobody’s second choice. I’m not a spare time or a sometimes.

I may not have a large group of friends and I may not be popular but the friends I do have and the family that I do have in my life are amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for a thousand shallow and mundane friends.

So I say to my young self, that little girl who is heart-broken every time she’s rejected, it will be okay. You’re okay. I’m okay.

Broken Record – 11pm thoughts and questions

How do you move on when you feel like you have unfinished business but have nothing more to say?  Why do we always have a strong desire to make things right?  How do you follow your heart when you can’t even decipher your emotions? When can we break free from such contradicting feelings?

I miss you. I’m glad you’re not in my life. Do you think about me? I don’t want to know if you don’t. I hope you’re doing okay. How can you be doing so well without my presence in your life? I feel nothing and everything towards you. I forgive you. I’m still hurt.

If we had the choice to go back in time and fix what had yet to be broken would I? Would you?

Where would we be today if things had been done and said differently? Was this outcome ultimately inevitable?

How do you truly accept the fact that you will never have all the answers?

Conflicted

I am standing on a precipice. Figuratively of course. Childhood, high school and the illusion that life is good and easy are over now. The future of college, jobs and the possibility of a lonely adulthood loom before me. Part of me welcomes this new chapter of my life with open arms while the other part of me wants to be six seeing the world from the safety of my mother’s lap again.

Change has slammed its way into my life heavily within the past seven months. Sometimes I feel as if the world around me is spinning and I can’t breathe. It’s become a bitter euphoric and overwhelming feeling. I’ve become a change junkie, I get a certain high from it. I never really stop and enjoy where I am in the moment. That’s the thing I am desperately trying to learn.

I want so much out of life. I have so much to offer. So much to give. I want to learn everything, see everything. I want to work hard and live harder. But I know I also need to be okay with where I am and not be afraid of the space between where I am and where I want to be and simply enjoy the journey.

There are aspects of my life I wish I already had figured out. The classic age-old question; who am I? Who was I, who am I, who am I becoming? I am slowly figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I’ve created just to please the world. There is nothing worse than hearing from someone you look up to and love dearly say that you’re changing and they don’t like who you’re turning into. The truth is yes I am changing, I have changed. I am certainly not the same person I was a year ago and I pray I’m not the same person a year from now. I am figuring out what things I’m okay with and what I’m not and changing accordingly a little bit at a time, hopefully for the better. I am learning what kind of person I am in situations I’ve never been in before. Yes I’ve messed up. Yes I’ve hurt people in the process. That is the one thing I’m not and never will be okay with. I die inside knowing that the people most precious to me are the ones that are hurt the most by my mistakes. It kills me knowing they might always love me but not like me.

How can I expect them to like me when I don’t even like the person I’m becoming?

It’s a process. A painfully slow process. All that keeps me from falling and staying down is the people who are less concerned with hurting my feelings and more concerned with hitting me with the cold hard truth. I wouldn’t be anywhere without them. I would have nothing without those few people. They don’t know how much I truly appreciate all they do for me and how thankful I am for them.

Life is beautiful and harsh. Life won’t stop and wait for you. Living is finding a balance that involves both knowing that everything will happen the way it’s supposed to but not sitting around waiting for it to work itself out. You have to fight for what you want.

The trick is, do you want it bad enough to get back up every single time you’re knocked down?

Praetor Raven Blackwood

Short Sci-Fi story I created a few years back.

Mood Glade City was heavy with activity as hover craft sped from place to place. The High Council was gathering at noon to establish a new frontier. A frontier that would catapult the Sentinal’s deep into space. Those called to the meeting were of the highest rank and authority. Magistrates and Councilors alike went to the council chambers where the first of the meetings was to begin.  Among those called were the clan leaders of the Joint Sentinel Convent; the fore fathers of the Sentinel Convent.

Among those called was Praetor Raven Blackwood.

Praetor Raven Blackwood awoke to a loud rapping on her door. She quickly jumped out of her bed and opened the door. At the door was one of the city’s messengers.  “Praetor, the High Council has requested you join them at their meeting. I have been ordered to escort you to the council chambers.” the messenger quickly said.

“Very well then” Raven said and began to follow the messenger.

Raven walked up the council chamber steps and told the messenger his duties had been served.  As Raven walked in to the building she was greeted by a desk assistant.

“You may go right in.  They are waiting for you.” Raven nodded and walked into the council chamber itself and was faced by the Magistrates, councilors, and the clan leaders of the joint Sentinel Convent.

Inside the chambers, many of the clan leaders and military advisors stood and sat around talking amongst themselves. The ambience of the room was loud but yet subtle as the meeting entered the prelude stages. Many of the Praetors and Executors had arrived per instruction. It was here that the High Council would dictate the next course of action.

Moments passed as one of the Court Elite Guards stomped his staff on the marble slab floor. The echo passed through the ancient chamber like a gunshot. Everyone in the chamber, some two hundred people, quieted down. Turning to the source of the noise the Elite Guard spoke from under his helmeted face.

“All Rise, the Honorary High Council presiding.” the Guards voice was hard and thick.  Up above him on a high-rise platform twelve high council members walked in behind their elevated desks. Their robes were neatly trimmed as they made their way marked seats.

The lead councilor was Supreme Councilor Furnoor Grace. Councilor Grace’s long white flowing hair ran down the flat his back. With his powerful hands he addressed the crowd in the room.

“Be seated brothers and sisters.” Graces voice reverberated throughout the room. As everyone took their seats, the Supreme Chancellor took his own seat. Seated neatly, The Supreme Chancellor activated his private CPU terminal. Appearing in front of him were various files and holo vid images needed for the meeting.

“Ish’nu Da Dee’ab Sentinals, thank for coming.” Lord Grace stated fully. “Now let us start this meeting for the obvious reasons. You all know about, or heard the rumors that the Sentinal High Council was debating about sending another expeditionary fleet to search for vibrant and new worlds. It’s here that we shall begin.”  Grace stated.

Several dozen voices murmured amongst the crowd as the High Council addressed themselves.

“Now, in light of recent events here on Ashenvale I and my fellow council members believe that it is imperative that an expeditionary force be sent.  Reasons being is that our populations are growing out of control and the need for space is causing rioting. With the ideas of colonization, the local provinces have calmed down but are demanding that a choice be made.” Councilman Jurid stated as he turned to face a woman on the high council. Her ears were long and riddled with fine jewels.

“Yes, now the High Council has all agreed that the fleet be sent.” the woman replied.  “Our only quarrel is who is to command the fleet?” the woman stated

From the crowds bickering and sniveling began amongst several male and female Hunters and huntress commanders.

“I Mistress Sentra of the Elite Glade Troop shall lead the expedition.”  Mistress Sentra said as he rose in her armored uniform.

This started a small argument that was quickly silence as Lord Grace intervened with his powerful voice.

“Silence!!” he boomed.

His gripping words hushed those in question while others spoke up stating their volunteers.

But out of the crowd Lord Grace’s eyes fell on the Praetors who’d been silent since the start.

“I say that one of our Praetors leads the Expeditionary forces.” Grace stated.

No one challenged Lord Graces’ statement.  The Praetors had long been the strongest group of men and woman in the entire Convent. There fierce and determined attitudes had one them many battles in the past. Grace eyed the leader of the Praetors, Arch Praetor Artanis.  Artanis was a tall thin elven man with long sharp ears. His dark skin was descended from the White Fire Clan. Rising from his seat he cleared his throat and quickly spoke.

“Aye, Lord Grace.” he replied. “We Praetor shall lead the way and, Goddess willing; swiftly find a new refuge that will end this new uprising.”  Artanis stated firmly. The high council seemingly approved the statement. Lord Grace turned too muttered quietly with the other council members before turning to address the Arch Praetor.

“Very well then Artanis, whom from your esteemed group shall be appointing Fleet Master?” Lord Grace stated.

Artanis knew just the person. Turning his gaze he faced Praetor Raven.

“I nominate Praetor Raven Blackwood to lead the expeditionary force.”  Artanis stated loudly.

The words soon fell on the entire room. No one said a word. Several people whispered but fell silent as they knew the name all too well.  The Blackwood family were legendary family from the White Fire Clan; one of the oldest clans in the Convent. Raven Blackwood’s Grandfather Lord Marcus was the most fiercest military commander, and above all was the most respected due to his lineage that followed him.

Lord Grace pleased to hear that a Blackwood had been picked quickly spoke.

“Well then” he started. “What does Miss Blackwood say to her nomination?” he questioned as he attempted to eye her from a distance.

Praetor Raven had been quiet throughout the meeting and listened while the other people bickered. She grew anxious when Lord Grace stated he wanted a Praetor to lead the Expeditionary forces. She watched as her leader Arch Praetor Artanis spoke. She knew what was going to happen. She watched Artanis as he turned towards her and nominated her to lead the Expeditionary forces. She sat there for a moment as the room grew silent. She could feel eyes watching her from all angles. She slowly stood up and spoke. “Lord Grace I would be very privileged to lead and command the fleet.”  Her voice was steady and firm as she spoke. “When will we begin our expedition?” She quickly added.

“You will leave right away, be at the star port in less than 30 minutes.”  Lord Grace spoke quickly. “Ishnu’ fala ‘nah.  Meeting dismissed.  Thank you all for coming on such short notice.” He added. Everyone gathered their stuff and headed out of the council chambers.

Praetor Raven walked swiftly to her sleeping quarters. She packed everything she needed and headed out.

As she approached the star port she saw the enormous length of the destroyer; Whisperwind.  It looked like a giant fish jumping out of the sea.

There were many other smaller vessels surrounding the massive destroyer. There were hundreds of people getting ready for deployment. Many soldiers were carrying supplies into the ship through a gravity lift. As Raven neared the gravity lift she was greeted by the captain of the ship. “Praetor Raven, I am Captain Malfurion. I will be of assistance during our mission to find new planets.” He said with a thick accent. “If you will come with me, you can get situated on the fleet. After you have unpacked your things I will introduce you to the helmsman of the ship, the ship captains who will be controlling the other vessels.”  He said stepping onto the outskirt of the gravity lift. “Thank you Captain Malfurion. I will also need to get acquainted with the ship captains who will be controlling the other vessels.”  Raven said and walked onto the gravity lift with Captain Malfurion.

The gravity lift lifted them into the cargo room. Raven saw many of the tanks and fighters that had already been loaded onto the vessel. Captain Malfurion led Raven into the bridge of the ship.  There were many people operating the bridges touch-screen computer systems.

They walked down a corridor and ended up in a large room. The room held many different quarters. Raven saw that there were already occupied rooms. Captain Malfurion led her to the room farthest away from them.

The captain handed Raven a keycard. “This is your personal keycard it allows you access through the energy door and into your room. Do not lose it.”  He said and walked away. Raven scanned the keycard on the door lock and watched as the energy door dissipated allowing her in.  The energy door immediately closed.  She looked around the room that would be hers for the next couple of months. The room held a small bed, dresser, desk and a touch-screen computer. On the wall was a holo-screen.  She emptied her belongings into the dresser and sat on the bed resting for a couple of minutes. Her moment of resting was interrupted by the holo-screen next to her.  It showed one of the lieutenants on the bridge. “Praetor Raven Blackwood your presence has been requested on the bridge. We are about to disembark from Ashenvale.” He said and the holo-screen went blank. Raven quickly exited out of the room and headed towards the bridge. It was there on the bridge of the Whisperwind that the vessel became alive. Raven could feel beneath her feet the very power of the ship as its raw and powerful energies resonated throughout the vessel.  It was not long before she soon began to rise and the very crest of the earth below began to vanish.

A very humbling experience as the ship slowly escalated into the skies. Along with the Whisperwind over a dozen other large star cruisers broke formation from the docks and began to ascend into the bright blue skies and from there to the stars beyond where their journey was to begin.

Introvert

Loneliness, awkwardness, emptiness, emotionally drained.  Those are the emotions that overtake me after a large social gathering especially when it involves having to interact with strangers.  I tend to be the girl who stands alone in the corner wishing to be outgoing and a social butterfly while inwardly praying that no one sees me and decides to strike up a conversation.  I tend to feel left out when I see groups talking and laughing but I also have no desire to join in.  I don’t like small talk, I prefer to have deeper conversations.

Unfriendly, depressed, shy, lack of social skills, antisocial, loner, friendless.  These are the attributes the general population associates with introverts.  I don’t lack in social skills I actually believe that I socialize better than most people my age.  I’m not depressed, I simply “crash” after too much emotional stimulation; i.e. parties, family or social gatherings, vacations.  I can only take so much interaction before I get irritated and seek out an empty room to regain my energy.  Introverts aren’t always loners or friendless.  I find it quite tiring to trying to get to know someone and I’m always happier with one or two close friends.

Reading was and still is my escape from reality.  It’s my way of tuning out the world when it gets too loud and I get grouchy when someone disturbs me.  Another quality that maybe not all but definitely a lot of introverts and myself have is always being fully aware of my surroundings.  I notice everything and usually remember both major and minor details about events.  I also remember every time I’ve felt embarrassed and think everyone else does too when in reality they probably didn’t notice.

Being an introvert isn’t something I chose to be, it’s not something I think anyone can choose to be.  You either are or you aren’t and I don’t see it as a bad thing. I just have different needs and different quirks, it’s what makes me unique and if people don’t like it that’s okay.  Give me a quiet room with a couple of books and this little introvert will be perfectly happy!

Say What You Need To Say & Move On

Every so often you have to make a decision on whether you are going to let a stagnant relationship stay stagnant, make an effort to change it for the better or end it.  It’s totally fine if you want to keep the relationship the way it is and it also perfectly fine to end it.  I personally believe that making an effort to change the relationship is the hardest of the three decisions.

It all starts with a conversation.  Communication is key and extremely vital to any long-lasting relationship.  Before you approach any situation it is usually best to assess yourself to see what place you’re coming from.  Are you coming from a place of peace and solidity or are you coming from a place of angst and anger?  Think about the things you want to get said during the conversation, make mental bullet points.  It’s always good to prepare yourself and think of possible situations and how you will handle them.

Tip: Never go into any conversation ready for a fight or angry because even if what you are going to say is truth you won’t be saying it to be heard, you will be saying it to hurt them and that never gets you anywhere.

No matter how prepared you are the one thing you cannot control is how the addressee will react/respond.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you say or even how you say it, the recipient will not hear it and that’s okay.

Really, it’s okay.

What isn’t okay is not saying how you feel and not trying.  It’s better to try and then leave the ball in the other person’s court than to not say anything at all and continue to stay stagnant or let hurt/hard feelings fester and boil until you explode causing in an even bigger mess.

So say whatever it is that you need to say.  If the other person doesn’t care to or isn’t capable of receiving what you’re giving then that isn’t your problem.  But if they don’t care to change then move on, don’t keep pestering them.  Sometimes it may not have anything to do with you.  They may not be in a place to hear your words.

You just do you and be proud of making the decision to extend yourself regardless of the outcome!

Never Second Best

Throughout my life I have always been the third wheel, the backup friend that you call when all of your other friends are unavailable.  I’ve never been someone’s first choice.  I’ll be the first to say that it sucks and it hurts.

A lot.

Recently I’ve been making some life changes and removing some acquaintances from my circle.  I’ve grown tired of only being acknowledged when someone is bored and has no one else to talk to or when said person needs something.  I’m tired of jumping for them right away because I’m desperate to be their friend.  I’m sick of knowing that it would never be reciprocated and that the friendship is as shallow as a drop of dew on a shriveled rose petal.

I’ve realized that those people who smile to my face and call themselves my “friends” are nothing more than fake friends wearing well-made masks.

So I’ve been telling them to bugger off.  Okay, okay.  Maybe not to their faces because I have a little more class than that (just a little) but I have been saying it in my head a good deal.

Lately I have also noticed that I’ve making a bigger mistake than allowing fake friends to walk all over me like a doormat.  That mistake is overcompensation and pushing people away before I even have the chance to know them.  I think I mistook having a backbone with being a bitch.  Having a backbone is admirable and shows that you’re a strong confident person.  Being a bitch. . .well. . .nobody likes a bitch and if they say they do they’re lying.

Due to my history I now subtly aid people in un-friending me so that it is by my choice and I’m not shocked when they no longer want anything to do with me.  I tell myself that it’s easier to handle when you’re the cause.

That’s where I’m wrong.  Turning my back on someone just because I’m afraid they’ll hurt me like all the others is stupid.  I definitely don’t believe in running around with your heart on your sleeve for anyone to slice and dice or giving all your trust to someone you’ve just met but by not giving someone a chance you could be throwing away that one gem in a pile of sharp rocks.  And that one gem is worth it.  I have a gem in my life.  That one person (that isn’t my parents) that I know would never hurt me, she’d chew off her own tongue before she said something that would cause me pain, as would I.  I would go through every single one of those painful “friendships” again because without them I would never have met her or have the relationship I have with her.  I would take her for granted and that would be a terrible travesty.

That’s what it’s all about, life that is.  It’s about experiencing hurt so that you can appreciate the good more.  It’s about learning how to set boundaries and knowing when you’ve got some real diamonds.  That is the human experience.  It’s harsh and brutal.  It’s also beautiful and full of light.

All that to say that if you’re in the same boat as me stop pushing people away and stop being a desperate pushover.  You deserve better.  You’re worth more than being chosen anything but first.

Memory Lane

I have always had an incredibly large soft spot for the elderly.  I like to say that I practically grew up in nursing homes and assisted livings as both my grandparents on my mother’s side were over the ripe age of 80.  My favorite memories as a child was when my mother would let me take a “sick day” from school and we’d drive an hour to go see my grandparents.

My grandfather was in a nursing home, he had little motor skills left and almost no ability to communicate verbally.  We were able to have somewhat of a conversation through a tiny whiteboard and a red dry erase marker.  I would sit next to his bed and read him fairy stories from a book my aunt gave me.  The last time I saw him I had read him my favorite Tinker Bell stories and he gave me one of his rare smiles as we left to go home.

Shortly after my grandfather died my grandmother also took a turn for the worst and had to be put into an assisted living.  She had dementia.  When she crashed we were in and out of hospitals and nursing homes.  Being now homeschooled I remember running around the halls of the nursing home bugging the nurses and aids to let me help them.  I loved being able to bring a smile to the worn and fragile faces surrounding me.

Being older I now realize how refreshing it must have been to those patients to see such a young and happy face smiling genuinely at them instead of the disgust and blank looks I notice most kids give nowadays.  There were many people who didn’t approve of me being exposed to that on a daily basis at such a young age.  What none of them understand is that during that period of time I learned what true empathy was.  I learned that just because they are old and may no longer be lucid that they were still once people.  They had lives, lovers, friends, family, hurts, joys.  I feel like when you reach a certain age that society throws you in the garbage, because after all you’re not benefiting them anymore.  It saddens me to see the elderly dumped in nursing homes and assisted livings to never see their families again.  They deserve so much more.

Going through both my grandparents death at such a young age was hard.  It was an emotional roller coaster that still has its ups and downs to this day but I wouldn’t have traded those days for anything.  Not a single day.

Being there when my grandmother took her last breath was both a painful and magical experience and I feel blessed to have been able to be there.

When life seems to be moving at super sonic speed it can be hard to appreciate those people in your life.  Sometimes you take for granted the time you have left with your parents and grandparents.  Take time out of your busy day to value those you love.  They won’t be there forever.

A special thank you to my parents for exposing me to so much from a young age, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had you not.

Hurt

I’m sure anyone reading this has been hurt at least once in their life.  I’m not talking physical hurt as in stubbing your toe or breaking a bone (although both are equally painful).  No, I’m talking full on emotional, mental and soul crushing hurt.  Whether it was hurtful words being thrown at you like recently sharpened shuriken, losing a beloved or even something that wasn’t aimed directly at you but still clings on to you like a leech.

I’ve experienced all three and I’ve learned the process I myself go through very well.  It starts with simple hurt feelings that just stay there nagging at me, tugging at my heart just when I thought I’d forgotten about it.  Then the resentment grows and every word and action that person does irritates me.  All it takes is one tiny comment to send me spiraling.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry and I feel as if my soul is being crushed.  Then I get angry.  I get the urge to throw things and the two-year old in me throws a little inner tantrum.  Last I get quiet and plot the things I’m going to say to make them feel the way they made me feel.  But the thing is I never follow through with that last part.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been on the receiving end of so many snarky comments and hurtful words that I know how it feels and don’t take action.  I always say to myself “How would I benefit?” and more importantly “What’s the point of hurting that person?” all it does is create a nasty cycle and honestly, it’s not worth it.

My point is.  Let.  It.  Go.

I know it’s hard.  I know how much you want to spit venom right back and make them feel your pain.  I know how it feels to want to crawl in bed and sob your heart out.  I know how hard it is to just let it roll off your shoulder.  But don’t spill the words and go ahead and let those rocks fall off your back.  You’ll be a better person for it.  I’m not saying don’t ever confront the person because if it’s something that is truly hurtful you should never let it continue, you shouldn’t ever let someone abuse you.  What I’m saying is don’t do it in that moment because the only result is going to be a screaming match (maybe physical altercations) and more hurt feelings.  Wait a couple of days or weeks until you’re calm enough to have a civil conversation.

Keep in mind though that the person may not understand, laugh it off and tell you to get over it but that’s not what matters.  The only thing that matters is that you get to say what needs said, the key is not caring how what you say is perceived because that’s never up to you.  It’s ok if that person doesn’t take it well, that’s their problem not yours.  But don’t ever let them pull you down to their level, once you have raised your voice you’ve already lost.

So let it go.  Your hurt will heal over time and your life is better without toxic people in your life.